To all you men now growing scruff on your faces – I’ve got bad news.
Are you thinking you now look mature, mysterious, sophisticated, even alluringly primitive?
NO! You just look scruffy, mangy, unkept, down-at-the-heel, unemployed! Guys, look in that mirror you don’t use any more -- it ain’t pretty. First tattoos, and now this?
Do you sorta look like George Clooney?
NO! You look like Brett Favre – out of grace and out of a job! Maybe even like an unshaven reprobate like doctor House! (… advanced apologies to the really unemployed…)
Will you grow into a silvery Sean Connery? NO! You’d need his British accent, his blue eyes, silver tongue, and savoir faire.
Instead, you look like the destitute hanging around the 7-11 with scruff and spikey bed hair.
Do girls want to kiss you? NO! Scratchy, scruffy, speckely, peppery. But what is women’s real anxiety? If you no longer bother to shave, well, maybe you -- uh -- don’t bother to bath?
Women have not yet come to grips with tattoos. But take heart, girls, at least when their rationality returns, they can at least shave of their stubble to take back their real identity.
Why is this happening, guys? Is it an Armageddon preoccupation? You know May 21st, 2011 has passed and you’re still here -- unshaven -- but 12/21/2012, the Mayan doomsday, still looms out there. Will you not shave until 12/22/2012? Women will just have to stay around and wait…